My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
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Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.