“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
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doing your own taxes
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?