I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
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In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.