Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
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[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I’d use my best pan on you.
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I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas