If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
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Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.