If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
And then there were 4
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Every time.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom