I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
You Might Also Like
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”