Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
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I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and