It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Me recordaron éste meme
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
David Attenborough, the confusing early years