Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
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Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
sugar glider wrangler
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Spider-cat: No One Home
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.