Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
You Might Also Like
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.