I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Anyone want a chair?
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
The Punning Dead.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing