*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
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Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp