“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
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(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
eggs benadryl
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster