[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
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My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Introverted vegans go meetless
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.