*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
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If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
When someone says you are so lazy
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.