Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
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Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
are they though??
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.