Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
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Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.