Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.