One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
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Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
How about daylight saves us for once
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.