I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
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why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life