Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
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Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
This is Sparta
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?