Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
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Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.