Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
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I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[on my way back to the posting caves]
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.