I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
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It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.