Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.