[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
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[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something