Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
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JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
🙂🐾
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now