Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
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I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.