judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
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FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.