BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
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Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
how long have you had this for?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.