When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
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[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?