I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
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“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]