Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
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“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant