The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
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If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
#winning
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
sin harder.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
How to draw a duck
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play