Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
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My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over