*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
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I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”