They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
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I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Duolingo getting serious.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.