My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
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I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I thought this was funny lol
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.