Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
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Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.