For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Thursday
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
The Assassin.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I have so many questions.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts