If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
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My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.