Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
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Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I would like even faster food.