*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
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Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
never deleting this app.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.