Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
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All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast