[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
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Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Traveler’s camo
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it