hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
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Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Said the murderer.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I am patiently waiting for your email