WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
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Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
When someone says you are so lazy
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”