7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
listen closely
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ