Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
“our sushi is very fresh”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Home is where your toilet is.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.